we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
