Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
