Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
