I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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