my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
