Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
