my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
