I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
