If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
