I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
