She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
