then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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