I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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