I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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