i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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