the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
