textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
