This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
