My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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