I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
