I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
