I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
