In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
