I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
