Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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