You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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