He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
