u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
