just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i love accidental penises.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
