Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!