A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
