i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.