I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just pee around me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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