I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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