I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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