I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
