I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
