Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
