Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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