i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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