You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
