I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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