Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
