in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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