she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
