I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
