she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
