My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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