I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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