Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
