I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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