Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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