my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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