So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
