Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
