i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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